My Lilly
by Insaine
Summary: Jack Spicer has loved Lilly Matthews forever. Now that she'd gone what does he have to live for? Warning: sensitive topics


She never knew me. I guess I never really knew her either, but she was my Lilly. I thought everything was perfect in her life. She was the popular one. The one everyone loved. She was perfect. She was always happy. I loved Lilly. She lit up the room wherever she went and her smile made my heart glow. There was nothing she couldn't do.

_It must have been a place so dark, you couldn't feel the light. _

_Reaching for you through that stormy cloud_

We'd all dressed in black. There was nothing to say. Everyone was there. People she didn't even know showed up. Everyone wanted to pay their respects to the beautiful, bright eyed girl who had left us before she was supposed to. Her close friends sat in the front near the coffin. On the other side sat those who had driven her to it. I knew they had. They knew they had. Yet they still had the audacity to sit near her and cry at the alter as if they'd loved her too. Loved her life I did.

_Now here we are gathered in our little home town_

_This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd._

Her eyes were closed, but I knew if she opened them, they'd be the same beautiful hazel they'd always been. As we walked up to pay our last respects to my dear Lilly Matthews I brushed my hand across her fair cheek. The blush that had always tinted them had faded and left them unnaturally perfect. I felt the tears begin to form in my eyes. Why her?

_Oh why? That's what I keep asking._

_Was there anything I could have said or done?_

"You can't blame yourself, you didn't even know her." Everyone told me that over and over, but maybe that was the problem. Maybe if I'd gotten to know her… truly gotten to know her, instead of blindly loving her, I could have said something, anything to make it all better.

_Oh, I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul._

_God only know what went wrong_

She was perfect. She was involved in everything. She was in the choir, theater, she played sports. She was perfect. The night she killed herself was the night of the talent show. She'd been beautiful as always. Her long brown hair had fallen around her shoulders in tight, perfect curls. Her black skirt had fallen just above her knee and her white blouse was tucked in neatly. She'd begun and her voice had hit my ears as if an angel was serenading me. Half way through she looked out to the crowd and her smile faded and she was gone.

_And why, you'd leave the stage _

_In the middle of a song._

She was a senior, just like the rest of us, the captain of the softball team. She had a full ride to her dream college. All that thrown away in one night. She was found on the floor of her bathroom, covered in blood, but it was the pills that had done it. She'd overdosed on something she'd found in the bathroom. The cuts were done before.

_In my mind I'll keep you frozen as a seventeen year old,_

_rounding third to score the winning run._

She'd been passionate about everything she did. She was almost obsessive. She got made fun of for it. At least that's what the letter said. She'd left it on her bed. She knew what she was doing.

_You always played with passion_

_No matter what the game._

That night on the stage she'd been so happy. Her smile had been magical and set my heart aflame. She'd done the talent show every year, but it wasn't until this year that she'd faltered. She broke.

_When you took the stage_

_You shined just like the sun._

I touched the fabric on her dress, feeling the silk beneath my fingers. Why, how could she do this? She was beautiful, smart, athletic, outgoing. She was going to have an amazing life, and now she was gone.

_Oh, why? That's what I keep asking._

_Was there anything I could have said or done?_

I choked back tears as I headed back to my seat. I sat alone knowing as hard as I wished it was too late. My Lilly was gone and she wasn't coming back. She'd been tortured in life and now in death her tormentors cried over her body as if they knew her. As if they could ever love her.

_Oh, I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul,_

_God only knows what went wrong._

If I'd followed her out that night… maybe she'd be here. I was there. I saw her face, I knew she was in pain, but I'd been afraid. What if she would have rejected me? It would have been worth it had I been able to save her. I'll never know what they said to her. Apparently they'd found anonymous letters to her that had been from her tormentors. It doesn't matter though, nothing matters. Nothing can bring back my Lilly.

_And why, you'd leave the stage_

_ In the middle of a song._

We met again at the cemetery. Everyone was there. Even people she'd never met. I watched as they lowered her into the ground under a weeping willow. I thought it was fitting; the whole town was mourning the loss of my Lilly. It felt like the whole world was weeping with me.

_Now the oak trees are swaying in the early autumn breeze,_

_The golden sun is shining on my face._

I cried along with everyone who was pretending to love her as they filled in the dirt. They all cried like it hurt as if they could feel the pain I did over the loss of my Lilly. My Lilly Matthews. The birds are the only joyful creatures in the world, but despite myself I smile through the tears.

_Through the tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing._

_This old world really ain't that bad a place._

I waited for everyone else to leave before I approached the grave and knelt down beside the dirt pile that separated me and my Lilly. I think of all the people I could blame for her death. I know that I'll never understand why she decided to leave me.

_Oh, why? There's no comprehending_

_And who am I to try to judge or explain?_

I walk down the halls that Monday. Whispers fill the halls, but not about my Lilly. It's all simple idle chatter that doesn't matter in my mind. Nothing matters to me anymore. I watch as her tormentors chose a new victim, a freshman with glasses. I notice the terror in the girls hazel eyes and I see my Lilly in them. Anger boils in my blood and the next thing I know I've been sent home with blood on my clothes. They deserved the beating. They killed my Lilly.

_Oh, but I do have one burning question,_

_Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?_

I walked down the stairs and into my basement. I found some paper and a pen and I started to write. I wrote about my Lilly and the funeral. I said I was sorry, but it wasn't worth it without my Lilly. I wrote about how she didn't know me and I didn't truly know her, but she was my Lilly.

_They were wrong, they lied!_

_And now you're gone and we cried._

I took the note to my bedroom and left it on my bed. I gathered all the old tapes of the talent show and watched Lilly. My Lilly. Her smile beamed at me through the television and she was beautiful. At the end of each year she bowed and let the curtain close in front of her before leaving. Every year except the last year. The night she killed herself. She ran off the stage before the song could end.

_'Cause it's not like you_

_To walk away in the middle of a song_

I left the note on my bed and went back to the basement. I couldn't live without my Lilly. I had taken my father's gun. I knew Lilly would want me to do this beautifully. He wouldn't even know it was missing until they found me. I placed the gun to my temple and breathed Lilly's name. I pulled the trigger and as I did I knew I'd soon be with my Lilly listening to her song once more.

_You're beautiful song,_

_You're absolutely beautiful song._


End file.
